Just A Man With A Camera

There was a brief period of my photographic life where I was the band photographer for a popular local pub. I got the gig by doing some work for a friend who worked there. His band was doing a CD release party and I hounded him to let me do photography for them. I was paid with a copy of their CD and a 3 free drinks at the bar. Slightly more than how much you get paid when someone offers "exposure". Did I know anything about shooting bands? Nope. But I knew music, people kind of knew who I was, and I owned an SLR so everyone immediately assumed I knew what I was doing because I had a "fancy" camera that changed lenses. Sometimes that's all it takes really. My old camera store boss once told me a story from when he was young where he hung out with and photographed the Dead Kennedy's because he was at their show with a camera and a notebook. He convinced them he wrote worked for the local university newspaper and wanted to write an article about them.  He did not write for that paper nor did he even attend the university, and it was the 80s so I guarantee they never saw a single frame from those rolls of film. The lesson from this story is that sometimes you have to do a little bullshitting and fake it 'til you make it.  And that's how I started my brief career as a band photographer.

...if you can call it that.  Because while I got that gig shooting bands for that popular local pub, other than some free pints of Guinness I never got paid in any form real currency (which I learned later in life was a recurring theme for people doing work for them). The deal was, I show up when bands are playing, get some shots, give him a CD, he looks at what he wants and pays me for it. Seems simple.  But after being bailed on for meetings, straight up ghosted, and ignored I just stopped going.  So the business side of things sucked hard.  But I will say it was good experience.

I got a lot of photos that I was proud of at the time, but now purge from my lightroom library now when I go through all those old photos. I learned how to deal with low light, navigating a crowd, attempting to be discrete, moving around that space.  But I would also have anxiety about doing it. I've always been a person who dealt with bursts of extreme shyness in social situations, which later in life I've come to learn is categorized as social anxiety. I would stay farther back from the stage because I didn't want to be seen by a crow close up taking photos.  Like everyone was watching me or something and not the band they came to see. When I think about it, I'm sure it's something that developed being the kid who was always picked on in school, often very publicly. So, I would start a show as this wallflower photographer, struggling to make his legs move.  Using every ounce of willpower to just start moving around the room, I would eventually start to feel more comfortable and explore the space more, and get through the night. By the time I was done this gig, I had gained some confidence, lost that self consciousness, and feel like I had improved as a photographer.

This took place in I think 2012. Let's fast forward to the present.  My wife is one of the singers for an incredible brass band called The Pile of Bones Brass Band. Recently I did some group photos for them for promos, and told them I would try and get some photos at their upcoming gigs.  No pressure.  I volunteered to do it for them and my wife, and to give me an excuse to pick up my camera.  A couple weekends ago they had a show in the very same venue I originally started this story at.  It felt like it would be fun evening watching their new set, and hopefully get a few good shots.  But the most unexpected thing happened: all that anxiety that I had gotten over years ago came flooding back.  I hugged the sides of the walls.  I stood at the back, telling myself I needed to get wide shots of the band.  But when I tried to move around the room and shoot, I had those same feels that I had forgotten about years ago.  It was like my legs couldn't move all over again.  I had to force myself to move around.

I left the evening with a strange feeling, and not happy with how it turned out.  Normally, when I shoot an band or event like this, in addition to some action type shots of band members playing, I try to get some coverage of each member of the group doing their thing. But I just couldn't do it.  I know it's something I need to work through again, and no one is going to feel let down by me, because it's basically being done as way to fulfill my hobby.  That feeling just caught me off guard so badly, because I thought I left it behind me so long again.  I guess this is one part of my photographic journey I need to work though again.  For what coverage I did get, I'm mostly happy with the few pieces I produced.  There was some difficult stage lighting to contend with which made some band members totally red on one side of the stage, and others a cold blue on the other end. They band is performing again tonight, and I think I'm going to give it another shot.  Not guaranteeing I'll be able to make my legs work any better tonight, but I'm going to attempt to push myself through it.  I did it once, I can do it again.